Tuesday, October 28, 2008
i have found something to blog about.
i am damn annoyed with my mother right now. it's like she enjoys having power over me, so everytime i do something she dislikes, she says, fine, don't go out. next time you don't even have to ask me, i won't allow you to go out with your friends. and what's worse is that she means it most of the time. it's making me damn pissed with her. she's abusing her so called power over me.
i mean, most of you, when you anger your mother, do they threaten to refuse to let you go out with your friends? already, all of you think that i'm rather restricted. as in, everytime you ask me to go eat lunch together, i can't go most of the time, or i have a hard time persuading my mum. and guess what she said to me the other day.
"claudine! (i think i asked to go out). STOP asking me. you already have lots of freedom okay." imagine her saying it in a snappish voice, coupled together with arms akimbo and a frownish face.
i am SO sick, SO SO sick of her saying that. it doesn't make me succumb meekly, call her OH GREAT ONE and come at her beck and call, it just makes me furious and even more rebellious.
today's reason was a stupid one. my sister called me out to dinner, and i kept procrastinating coz i was trying to get brenda to respond to help me with my chinese homework. my sister came in to get me, then sat at her own computer and started watching her anime. after a while, my mum comes in, yells at me, says something about letting me starve to death and how she couldn't care less, about how i never help her when she needs help.
what made me angry wasn't that though. it was because my sister was sitting there, watching her dumb anime while i was racking my brains out for chinese homework. and my mum didn't even glance at my sister, let alone scold her together with me. and i DID help her, with the tearing of the paper(don't ask about it now, please). brenda can testify to that. and my sister didn't do anything to help. and my mum still has the cheek to talk about ME.
i went out, sat down in a black mood, and my mum sees. she starts again, this time threatening, no not threatening, forbidding me from going out with my friends during the holidays. i mean WHAT LAH. if she thinks she can use my freedom to make me bend to her unreasonable rules, then i am willing to forgo my freedom, whatever tiny bit i have. so everyone, don't ask me to go out this november/december holiday. i am super sorry adeline, you know how much i want to go your house. but because of someone, that is now impossible. and i am not going to forgo my pride, after my freedom, to beg my mum to let me go out. no way, not gonna happen.
to add on, i think my mum is a very very very very big hypocrite sometimes. she scolds me for not coming to dinner when she calls. how about other times, when my sister and i get dinner all ready, and ask her and my dad to eat, but they don't even bother to say "wait" ? how they leave the food there, till it's all cold, then come and ask why we let it get cold. how they never say thank you, except for the rare occasions, or when we remind of their Ps and Qs.
also, when she scolds me for not helping, has she forgotten about the many times i request for their help, yet get none? like when i misplace something, i go ask them to help me search for it. they randomly suggest some stupidly obvious place to search, then go back to whatever they were doing. but when my dad loses something, oh no, the whole house has to help search. anyone who sits there without helping will earn a good scolding.
the feeling i get when i remember all this is a mixture between, hurt, anger, fustration, annoyance. i am mostly fustrated because as the "younger generation" i have so called, no right to talk back to them. also because when i do find courage to talk back, they will end the arguement by saying " now you don't argue with me" in that dangerous voice with a dangerous look to follow. i stop then, in case they go on to threaten me in more ways than one(like the forbidding me to go out thing)
some days, i kind of wish i had a mum like isa's mum, or jeanette's, or adeline's would be best. then i feel guilty, because as much as they annoy me sometimes, i love them...deep down inside... and i would never want to change parents for the world. but i DO wish, that they would change, and become less strict. their strictness level is probably more suitable for 10 yr olds. and the thing is, no one really understands how i feel...maybe brenda sometimes would, but her mum is less strict compared to mine. i know God does, but he doesn't exactly come down, put a empathizing hand on me and comfort me there and then. my sister doesn't understand either, because my parents have never, i repeat, never ever threatened to not let her go out.
well goodbye
let me wallow in my sorrow and self-pity for now
i expect i will feel bad for typing this later on
but for now i don't feel anything
save the damn earth ppl.
--Mary was an idiot:)--
6:55 PM
